single me

funny how I never seem to realize the amount of feelings inside
until it's too late... or rather in this case it turned out to be just in time!

so telling him made me realize two things,
one: it didn't do either one of us any good and
two: it's time to put an end to things, this won't work.
so I'm shutting down. turning off. back to zero.
I'm single again.

just coming to terms with that, making that decision makes me long for the touch of me fb's, funny that, huh? ;p
I'm fully aware that it is a typical defense-mechanism of mine but me mind can't help but wander and I go through eligible dates in me head, tally them up.
kinda makes it easier to move on, to have a good time at the party tomorrow.

flirt, laugh and make plans to start seeing other guys again.

"don't look so sad
I know it's over
but life goes on and this old world will keep on turning
let's just be glad we had some time to spend together
there's no need to watch the bridges that we're burning

lay your head upon my pillow
hold your warm and tender body close to mine
hear the whisper of the raindrops
blowing soft against the window
and make believe you love me one more time
for the good times

I'll get along
you'll find another
and I'll be here if you should find you ever need me
don't say another word about tomorrow or forever
there'll be time enough for sadness when you leave me

lay your head upon my pillow
hold your warm and tender body close to mine
hear the whisper of the raindrops
blowing soft against the window
and make believe you love me one more time
for the good times"

"for the good times" by kris kristofferson
one of me fav sadsongs...

no = ?

how many times does a girl have to say no before a boy understands
that no doesn't equal maybe or yes?

it's a terrible feeling being the victim of sexual abuse. to have your body and mind violated, being pinned down, crying, repeating no even though it sounds more and more hollow as it progresses.

it's scary to be abused by someone you know and trust but reality is that it's way more common that that's the case rather than some stranger. it's complicated and you are constantly reminded of it.

the worst thing to deal with afterwards is the misplaced guilt and shame, feeling unfaithful... how do I tell the one I care about what's happened? I don't want to hurt him with this knowledge but I'd want to know if it'd happened to him...
I realize that the guilt and the shame is misplaced but that doesn't make it go away.

I feel soiled and like I've done a terrible thing. I can't help but feel that I am to blame... I don't want to hurt him! I've been blessed to have been able to talk it through with two wonderful mates and I will tell him, on Friday, I can't do this over the phone....
+ I want to feel his arms around me.

thoughts on sex 1

what's worse?
being single and having no sex or
being in a relationship and not having sex?
to me the answer's obvious!

I can only speak for meself but I choose to have a grand sexlife when I'm single. I've got a few sexpartners and we hang out, talk and have great sex. I prefer that to onenighters, think I've outgrown them.
I never could quite grasp the whole idea that women shouldn't hook up whilst single. I hook up and I do it good, as often as I please. does that qualify me to be a "loose woman"?


so I've figured out what's worse and that's not having sex whilst in a relationship.
I'll tell you why; because when one's single one can just send a naughty text to one of ones fb's and hook up but when one's in a longdistance relationship the naughty text sort of falls short of a hook up.


fancy knowing what brought this to mind?
two reasons:
one ~ I just realized I haven't gone without sex for this long since March!
two ~ me birthday's Monday and I won't get me promised special birthday-sex!

hahaha

am I?

Chandler: "I got her machine."
Joey: "her answering machine?"
Chandler: "no. interestingly enough, her leaf blower picked up."

I've had a funny week...and not in the haha-sense of the word.
I'm not sure what to do, how to act or even how to be able to carry on with this...charade? game? continuum? oh I don't even know how to label it.
not that it has to be labelled at all but it helps.

I'm just so good at being what I am, myself. would that have to change drastically? I know it does but...still? :o(

Words I LOVE!

some words just stick, have more meaning
or just sound extra grand in me head,
here's a few of 'em:

Craic ~ Wongi ~ Duckey ~ Pumpkin
~ Cinnamon ~ Purple ~ Pebble
Wee ~ Firefly ~ Bulb ~ Vehicle ~ Bugger ~ Ship
Seduce ~ Laugh ~ Dram ~ Sunnies ~ Babe ~ Thingee
Barbie ~ Ginger ~ Sugarrush ~ Bash
~ Brekkie ~ Loveling
Snog ~ Bairn ~ Shine

Quirky me :p

we all have our quirky bits and habits,
here's some of mine :p

• I flirp me ears
• I rarely studder in both languages at once
• I always drink from the same spot on me glass
• I smile each time I see my reflection in a mirror
• I've got more energy than anyone I know
• I'm unable to let it show properly when I'm in pain or ill
• I drink coffee when I can't sleep
• if I don't get enough coffee, I'm just like someone who's had 10 espressos in 20 minutes
• I always pick the salt off me pretzels

sunless

I miss the sun, the heat, the sleeping outdoors on the patio at night, getting away with going to the beach in panties and a skimpy top, going out in glitter which reflects as the sun sets, evening-swims in the warm sea, barbies, flings, making me own icecream, fooling around outdoors, spending carefree days at the nudebeach, collecting freckles, going to me fav islands with picnics a.s.o.

I went for a wee walk down to the market before, felt like early autumn, I love fall but I'm not ready for it just yet... I could smell it in the wind and it made me think. I'm used to grand weather during the Gothenburg-party and me birthdayweek. I'm used to warm weather long into September so this is a miss, I feel cheated somehow...
bring back me SUMMER, please!

itchy nerves, happy face and the back from hell

how do I combine itchy nerves with a surprisingly happy face and the back from hell?
feel like running, want to be snogging and me back wants me crutch.
I might just hold of on the running and try some slowdancing instead...
just for now.

funny how one's head works at times. I've grown up widely aware, painfully at times, of how different, odd, I am from others.
me parents used to really push the positive side of it, tell me how unique and lovely I am, how I should learn to be proud over the attributes given to me, me personality, me laughter and me talent to make people around me feel happy.

I miss them so much. it's on days like these I wish I could just pick up the phone and talk to them, ask for advice, hear daddy's silly jokes and mum's wise words.
better yet, I wish I could jump on the next bus, have daddy meet me at the busstation in Henån, listen to our tape in the car whilst I'd talk about all the silly things we both like with him grinning from ear to ear.
run down the crooked path towards the house, hear mum caution me about the slippery stairs daddy built out of big chunks of wood from the old railroad decades ago way before I reach them. how I'd slow down reluctantly 'cause I do remember how it hurts to slip on those, jump the last four to get to her faster, hug her tightly.
go into the house and feel at peace, at home, safely guarded from the pains of the outside world. sit down on me chair to eat mum's delicious homecooked supper, how she'd hurry to remove the laundry from underneath me seatcushion since I always lift it up before I sit down.
argue with dad in which order one should eat the food and how to tell left from right.

me sister's used to pointing out to me how fast I am. I reckon I'm slow but there she is, smilingly making me aware that I'm in me own world again.
I need that.
I reckon I'm ever so good at making sure everyone is up to speed but as I turn me back I'm back in the rhythm of me own world. me thoughts move quickly and I'm afraid I might hurt people whom I care about.

it takes such a lot to get me to open up, perhaps that's unfair, I don't know...
but people don't see that, to them I'm probably very open and they most certainly reckon they know me well, makes me sad thinking they don't. but still, I only want some people to really know me. I guess it's scary letting people into your sphere, there is a lot at stake. it hurts to be let down.
that's probably one of the major reasons why I tend to prefer to stay single, less painful. less work, less emotions and less agony.

I wish me summer'd stayed easy, problemfree and fun...
I fear that I'll get hurt, soon, I sort of wish on some level that I'd stayed single, continued dating and fooling around with me fb's.
but at the same time this feels real, important, right, dinkum, perfect, too valuable too miss out on...and that scares the shite out of lil' ol' me!

I know the forrest gump-voice in me head is to be avoided but I still hear it shouting louder and louder, making me feel trapped, making me want to snuggle up in a's arms and just feel worryfree.
maybe they're right in being unable to believe in me being "off the market" so to speak?
I did tell him from the start that I'm the wrong girl to choose, I'm not girlfriend-material.
I do blame meself, 'cause if I'd just stuck to me rule of only dating safe guys, we wouldn't have happened, he wouldn't have been able to push me on-button and I wouldn't feel so guilty and blue now...
I'm just no good and I'm not good at this.

I wish the chemistry wasn't there, I wish it didn't feel so right, I wish we didn't click as we did and still do.
I almost wish that we hadn't met but I don't want to loose out on him or on us.
because however I try to pull away,
us feels bloody grand!

I just wish we could have the time to talk, to be and clear things out.
figure this out, figure out eachother and figure out us.
but I reckon that's impossible so I'm continuing with pressing me off-button.
I can't do this.

"I'm not the sort of person who falls, in and quickly out of love
but to you I gave my affection right from the start."
~ joan armatrading

pee into the wind, man!

Joey: -"Oh yeah, go for it, man. jump off the high dive, stare down the barrel of a gun, pee into the wind!"
Chandler: -"Yeah Joe, I assure youif I'm staring down the barrel of a gun, I'm pretty much peeing every which way!"

I spoke to two of me more shall I say sceptical mates today regarding me being "unsingle" as it happens, they are still convinced it's just a phase like last time that lasted a week and that I'll be "back" in time for me birthday.
'cause, as they put it, I have to admit that I'm the last person who'd give up dating and me fb's?
funny thing is though, I don't admit to anything like that at all.

I took the plunge. it's scary as hell and I might join Chandler in peeing every which way but life is all about taking risks right? :p
but why is it always harder to gamble with matters of the heart when I'm such a risk-taker in other parts of me life?

I do feel meself taking precautions, I can't help but pressing the big, red off-button.
I guess I'm only prepared to gamble with me heart so far as of yet...

I wish I would've met someone who moves according to my speedlimits but hey, that match seems impossible!
so what else can I do but hang back, watch him move and go along with his flow? I'm happy doing nothing else at the moment
'cause he's fab! ;o)

the only thing that worries me; besides me being his rebound-chick, is that I'll press off too much, get bored and terminate me chances with him. that I'll start thinking of this as a paus and just turn "single-me" back on, date and see me fb's, wellknown territory, as I know best.
as you do.

lost in lilacs

I lost myself just as the lilac bowers spread their faint promises of lost loves from summers past.
walking home alone, slowly, at dawn.
a smile lingers in my bodylanguage from the night before.
carrying my shoes and walking barefoot in the grass next to the asphalt, the dew cools my feet.

passing gardens booming with summerflowers, the early morning is filled with fragrances that enhances my senses.
I am reminded of past summers filled with love, music, dancing and early mornings before the heat sets in.

I lost myself in the early morning, slowly walking home alone, just as I smelt the lilac bowers.

the Gothenburg-Party is in full swing! :D

day one was suprisingly sunny, got to listen to a great new voice: esther williams + see the openingshow of the party, LOVELY!
best enjoyed with dear friends! :o)






second day of the party and I've gone from attending the kids part of the party, a walk and talk-tour of the old pubs and inns of the town to drinking beer, listening to rock and witnessing a mate get it on with two girls hahaha

I wonder what day three will bring... ;o)

day three was best spent on the couch. me back wasn't really up for anything else...

day four brought kisses, langos, grand mates, dancing, laughter, music and surprisingly cold weather but I still made the last tram home at 4:05am hehe



day five had to to be spent horizontal aswell unfortunatley...

day six was coffee in hammarkullen, lounging, watching the carnival, feathers and sambadancing, talking, cosy, kissing, making the train, seeing friends I haven't met for awhile, lovely Sunday :o)
got to talk to me loving bigsis, made things clearer, made me happy, made me long for her more...

I can't wait for the next
Gothenburg-party! :D

changing ones mind

I thought I was stuck in me ways.
I thought I couldn't even picture this.
I figured things'd stay as they were.

guess I took some pretty drastic measures to prove meself wrong.
the funny thing is that most of me friends doesn't seem to be onboard...or well, onboard but to them I'm still who I was, like this is just a phase...
I wonder if that is true, is this a passing notion?
am I just going through a phase?

I certainly know I'm not in it to prove something, on the contrary, I feel like I had to prove people wrong before, not now.
I surprise myself with feeling, with opening up, with wanting, with longing...

funny that I was having the time of me life in that department just two weeks ago and just see what a chance encounter landes ya! ;o)

it's just me and me twirly inside trying to make sense of it all, get used to it and allowing access...

the bullshit men refer to as talk

Phoebe: -"No, huh uh, no way, I'm sorry, not gonna happen"
Chandler: -"Whoa, whoa, prom night flashback."

is it a compulsive disorder with men to feel the need to say the "we-stuff" they reckon women wants, no sorry, "needs" to hear?
is it just when they're drunk trying to pull? or is it them just being true to habit?
I can't help but react with disbelief and the smile that goes with it.
are the words uttered whilst drunk less trustworthy than the soberly uttered ones?

I reckon so, I feel like I've treaded onto minefields too many times to ever be that gullible ever again....but hey, that's just this woman's humble opinion!
however, I do find it amuses me listening to blokes trying to pull with those tired old "we-lines" even if they try to pull me with them.

but then this bloke showed up, out of nowhere, and proved to be so much more.
I found that what usually makes me laugh, what I'm usually really good at brushing off silently crept under my skin.
I'm not sure I feel comfortable with someone making it inside without my permission...
I'm not used to feeling...something for someone I'm dating.
I guess I'm just good at being single.

I don't want to be one of those girls who falls head over heels for some empty, dumbass lines which burst like bubbles once the lights are turned back on...

closing time ~ time for you to go out, go out into the world.
closing time ~ turn the lights up over every boy and every girl.
closing time ~ one last call for alcohol, so finish your whiskey or beer.
closing time ~ you don't have to go home but you can't stay here...

I know who I want to take me home

so gather up your jackets and move it to the exits ~ I hope you have found a friend!
closing time ~ every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end!

Semisonic "Closing time"