itchy nerves, happy face and the back from hell

how do I combine itchy nerves with a surprisingly happy face and the back from hell?
feel like running, want to be snogging and me back wants me crutch.
I might just hold of on the running and try some slowdancing instead...
just for now.

funny how one's head works at times. I've grown up widely aware, painfully at times, of how different, odd, I am from others.
me parents used to really push the positive side of it, tell me how unique and lovely I am, how I should learn to be proud over the attributes given to me, me personality, me laughter and me talent to make people around me feel happy.

I miss them so much. it's on days like these I wish I could just pick up the phone and talk to them, ask for advice, hear daddy's silly jokes and mum's wise words.
better yet, I wish I could jump on the next bus, have daddy meet me at the busstation in Henån, listen to our tape in the car whilst I'd talk about all the silly things we both like with him grinning from ear to ear.
run down the crooked path towards the house, hear mum caution me about the slippery stairs daddy built out of big chunks of wood from the old railroad decades ago way before I reach them. how I'd slow down reluctantly 'cause I do remember how it hurts to slip on those, jump the last four to get to her faster, hug her tightly.
go into the house and feel at peace, at home, safely guarded from the pains of the outside world. sit down on me chair to eat mum's delicious homecooked supper, how she'd hurry to remove the laundry from underneath me seatcushion since I always lift it up before I sit down.
argue with dad in which order one should eat the food and how to tell left from right.

me sister's used to pointing out to me how fast I am. I reckon I'm slow but there she is, smilingly making me aware that I'm in me own world again.
I need that.
I reckon I'm ever so good at making sure everyone is up to speed but as I turn me back I'm back in the rhythm of me own world. me thoughts move quickly and I'm afraid I might hurt people whom I care about.

it takes such a lot to get me to open up, perhaps that's unfair, I don't know...
but people don't see that, to them I'm probably very open and they most certainly reckon they know me well, makes me sad thinking they don't. but still, I only want some people to really know me. I guess it's scary letting people into your sphere, there is a lot at stake. it hurts to be let down.
that's probably one of the major reasons why I tend to prefer to stay single, less painful. less work, less emotions and less agony.

I wish me summer'd stayed easy, problemfree and fun...
I fear that I'll get hurt, soon, I sort of wish on some level that I'd stayed single, continued dating and fooling around with me fb's.
but at the same time this feels real, important, right, dinkum, perfect, too valuable too miss out on...and that scares the shite out of lil' ol' me!

I know the forrest gump-voice in me head is to be avoided but I still hear it shouting louder and louder, making me feel trapped, making me want to snuggle up in a's arms and just feel worryfree.
maybe they're right in being unable to believe in me being "off the market" so to speak?
I did tell him from the start that I'm the wrong girl to choose, I'm not girlfriend-material.
I do blame meself, 'cause if I'd just stuck to me rule of only dating safe guys, we wouldn't have happened, he wouldn't have been able to push me on-button and I wouldn't feel so guilty and blue now...
I'm just no good and I'm not good at this.

I wish the chemistry wasn't there, I wish it didn't feel so right, I wish we didn't click as we did and still do.
I almost wish that we hadn't met but I don't want to loose out on him or on us.
because however I try to pull away,
us feels bloody grand!

I just wish we could have the time to talk, to be and clear things out.
figure this out, figure out eachother and figure out us.
but I reckon that's impossible so I'm continuing with pressing me off-button.
I can't do this.

"I'm not the sort of person who falls, in and quickly out of love
but to you I gave my affection right from the start."
~ joan armatrading