follow me head 'cause me heart's fucked up!

I have to start following me head
'cause me heart's fucked up.
it won't let any sane thoughts linger for long, it insists on being all lovvy-dovvy and fuzzy feely.
I'm fed up with it.
I don't fancy being in love any more,
I don't want a relationship ever...(?)

me plan's to put a permanent end to it tomorrow, not see him for as long as it takes to get over him, have fun with the lads this weekend and hook up with mr A.
I suspect I'm kinda buggered if that fails...
have to do it now though 'cause we kinda made loose but romantic plans this weekend and I can't keep those. obviously.

talking it through with the lads last night made me realize how bloody daft I've been since 1am Saturday. even felt wee bit ashamed at how gullible I've been yet again.
no more.

we're through.
he's better off without me.

another week of emotions

what started with me not falling deeper, not engaging meself in further depts of this man...me just staying away basically turned into an intense long weekend of love, lust and closeness.
only it wasn't over just yet, i wouldn't be let of the hook now...

we had our best date ever on Thursday. it was too perfect, remember lying in bed afterwards smiling, thinking "I'm lucky to have such a perfect ending to this fling with the perfect guy." I couldn't bare to think of it as the perfect date showing me what perfect life we could have together and I've lost it all.
besides, I can't really afford to think of it as more than a fling and believe that I wasn't the only one who had feelings to show...

I managed to press the off-button with a result to show for it only to watch him press the on-one once more a few days later.
determined to walk out of this with the last word, I declined with pressing off with an action. I intended to stay on first base but ended up on third, but it felt ok, like the right move to make.

then the dreaded second double-date came along and I thought I was doing fine, being polite, funny and friendly. I was pleased at how I managed to keep it on a friends-date-level...or at least I did until about 1am... shite!
isn't there some saying that words uttered whilst drunk means crap-all?
the point is, I'm unable to trust and/or play games.

the content of it all being that I'm done.
finished.
finito.
adios.
no more.

me eyes really do keep giving me away...

picking up where I left off

the sun is shining, it's hot outside,
the leaves on the trees are still green
and the wind whispers summer...
it surprises me 'cause it feels like fall.

I love waking up to an early morning, smelling the coffee, listening to "rivstart", putting on me workout-gear and head out into a neighbourhood slowly waking up to a new day at school, on the job a.s.o.
feel the fresh air on me face, walking at a pace which makes me sound like an old locomotive-engine and just let me thoughts flow...

watching nature change from summer into fall into winter...
I love getting up and out there early in the mornings...

to breathe!

dried-up?

eleven days now...but who's counting?
I wonder if I'll be able to be a proper fb
with this lad like I claimed I could?
only time will tell...

I read through our texts last night and one made me decision feel easier. I should've done that a long time ago just, I should've kept that text in mind 'cause then I wouldn't be in this mess, I wouldn't have a broken heart and I never would've said yes when he asked that crucial question.

that text made me think that if he can do that whilst in a relationship, he's not b/f-material and yet, here I am...
if he can lie about going on a date with another girl once...I mean, hello, we spent hours talking and he didn't mention a girlfriend at all! to me it felt like a perfect first date, man was I wrong!

perhaps that's what I needed? to be reminded of that text, how that made me feel, what suspicions it aroused to make me go towards angry from sad?

closer to getting over him then I suppose...

if I could just stay away from him aswell, I'd be on a roll here! I felt quite pleased with us not seeing eachother for two weeks, felt like the right thing, taking the time I needed to get over him and remaining grand mates.
only then he rang...told me he'll be home early Thursday, planning to go home, fetch his car then come pick me up and we could do a reprise of that romantic night by the sea.
do you think I said no? 'course not, I melted and heard meself giggle happily and say yes. the next thing I knew, I had the whole late night picnic planned.
tragic.

where do the tears come from?

I know it's over.
I've known it's all over since Friday the 28th of August
and yet I fall into that world that seems to be from some grown up-version of nevereverland where it's all right, it's all perfect, it's all lovely and my heart feels like it's wrapped in babypink cotton candy.
then the bubble bursts when I realize, both to my own surprise and out loud, that I've fallen in love.
'cause apparently that's what the consequenses are in that world
and all that's left to wonder is:
where do all the tears come from?

I feel sick to my stomach. My inside is hurting more than my slipped discs. My world is turned upsidedown.
I keep crying although tears rarely fall.
I blame meself, how could I be so fucking stupid????!!
haven't I learned anything from passed experiences?? I'm not girlfriend-material, have we properly established that now or do I need more heartbreaks before enough's enough?

I'm not to fall in love, I'm the perfect rebound-chick, mate and fb... I'm not the sweet girl from next door that you introduce to your parents. Luckily enough, I got away with only hurting meself this time. as it happens, I'm not to see him for at least two weeks which should give me sufficent time to sort meself out, turn me world back around to normal, happy, single ME!

I haven't been this sad since T. is that a sign of age or is it a sign of dinkum? I miss HJ & RA, rebound-sex and yet I feel reluctant to.

I know he's happily exploring who to date next, so why do I let meself feel this way? these are my feelings aka my problem. no sense in burdening him with 'em, all I want is for him to be happy 'cause he's such a wicked lad and I do treasure the friendship I know we'll dearly keep from now on.

so although my heart hurt today, I gave him advice about a girl he fancies and tips on what to do on a date with her. I'll get over him soon enough. I just want him to fall in love with the right girl and be happy.
I know I'll be happy once I'm back to me normal, single, dating, fb:ing, emotionfree self.
geez, that sounded way more horrible than it is. promise.

a weekend of dates?

I've got a doubledate tonight,
drinks with the lads or a date tomorrow night + a hook-up
and am hoping for a lazyish moviedate come Sunday.
me datebook's full! ;o)

I do realize me behaviour may scream "she never even cared for him", but it's quite the opposite indeed... I did care. too much.
this is how I get over that, I turned me feelings off 8 days ago and I'm merely moving on.
I don't see the harm in that.

I have to protect me own heart from being broken. I can't allow silly feelings to get in the way of...oh, I don't know...life?
it's not like I'm trying to hurt anyone, I don't have that in me, this is just one of me many weird defense-mechanisms.

I am looking forward to the weekend, what better way is there but to jump right back in there but holloring? I'm not the kind of girl that pines and allows feelings to grow when it's obvious there wasn't anything there in the first place to have feelings about.

or as one of me fb's puts it
-"feelings are tricky business" :o)

hooking up

the party Sat. looked very promising for a serious hook-up between two mates,
the tales afterwards clearly states that they have a very different view upon hook-ups.
to me snogging isn't a hook-up, but sex is.
I hooked up Sat. ;o)

so why is hooking up so frowned upon by some people? everybody's doing so why not talk openly about it? some even refer to hooking up as the new dating, is it?

if I were to think of snogging as a hook-up, I'd definatley be hooking up ...uhm... alot! haha
lucky for me I don't 'ey? :p

funny though how you do get that itch, that sense of needing a grand hook-up sometimes, I feel that way right now and if things go as planned I'll be hooking up Sat. hehe